just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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