census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize