when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
