He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
