my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
