Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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