...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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