Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
