Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
