I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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