never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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