Sponge bath it is.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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