Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
