I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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