All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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