So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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