I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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