finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
