rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
