Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
