Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
