I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
