by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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