ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i was born a porn star she said
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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