closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
