i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
