why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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