How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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