it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
