Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
