i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
