Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
