my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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