"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
