I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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