You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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