Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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