You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
