i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
