I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
