She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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