Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize