I will die if light touches me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
