Umm I'm too high to move.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
