I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
