he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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