Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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