i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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