just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
