If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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