Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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