If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
