we're chasing vodka with high fives
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
