he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
