So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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