I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We had to coat check the pizza.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
