yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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