I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
did i just pee glitter
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
