Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
