Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
