i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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