from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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