i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
