you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
