all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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